So, I started a new job recently, bartending at a nice sports bar pretty close to my house. We need a little extra money, I love tending bar, and I was really lucky to get hired right away. Win, win, motherfucking win.
But things took a sharp dive into self-loathing when I walked into the bar on my first day. I was full of confidence (with a few nervous butterflies), and then I noticed the girl behind the bar.
I don't want to exaggerate, but this girl was gorgeous. Beautiful waist length blonde hair, super cute clothes, model-perfect features, blindingly white teeth... you get the picture.
I looked down at my ill-fitting jeans, my running shoes, and my long sleeve t-shirt that a half hour before had been "cute" and "approachable" and now was screaming "schlub".
Shit.
I haven't exactly "let myself go" since I became a stay-at-home mom, but I was feeling a little like this:
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Over the next few shifts, I met some of the other bartenders. Some were guys, some were girls, all were gorgeous. Mother of God.
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I'm not all "oh woe is me, I'm so ugly" most of the time, but damn. My inner freshman in high school was coming out as I nervously tugged at my clothes and looked at myself disgustedly in the bathroom mirror. "wahhh I'll NEVER get elected to homecoming court!!!"
So anyway. I decided to get my brassy straggly hair cut and colored in an attempt to restore a little self-confidence. Because really, I can't change this:
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| That shit is here to stay. |
But, with a small fortune and the skilled hands of an expert, I can change this:
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| Make it better here, and here, and here.... |
Several hours later, I emerged from the salon with a head of shiny brown, much shorter hair.
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| Yes, I always look this tired, thanks for noticing. |
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| Pretty hair makes me ANGRRRYY... |
Do you have any self-confidence boosting rituals that pump you up before you are forced in to be in the presence of unnaturally good looking people? In college, my roommate and I would take shots and dance in our underwear to "Get Low" before we went out to the bars. Classy.
What makes your self-confidence waver? In this situation, I wouldn't feel so down on myself if I was really confident in what I was doing. But new job = being suckier than everyone else = sad face.
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Lately I've generally felt pretty good about myself and more comfortable with my body than before. What makes my confidence waver? Teeny tiny people. Tall skinny girls don't bother me, it's the eensy weensy ones. They make me feel like the jolly green motherfucking giant. I've been teased about my big horse-like physicality for most of my life.
ReplyDeleteWhat do I do about it? Put on the highest heels I own and make the difference as gigantic as possible and stand up as straight as I can :) I also try to call attention to my sparkling wit.
Cute hair, BTW, and you are just the funniest, prettiest, sparkliest person I know. That gorgeous Barbie doll probably feels like the jolly green giant standing next to you!
Oh Kim, I know you're not posting this looking for an endless string of compliments, but seriously. You are freaking lovely like all the time. Like even when you're sweating and nasty and rocking bedraggled pigtails. More than the "looks" which you totally have, it is your energy/spirit/aura/hippie shit that draws people in! I friggin love you.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Falon! But heck - if you want compliments - !!!!
ReplyDeleteI highly doubt there is one bartender that will be as popular with the clients! First off they will see that tight little bod and gorgeous hair and then . . . oh then - they will here your witty talk and realize she has IT - the whole package!
Luv the dark hair! LOVE it!
Ugh, totally feel you here. My hair is always. always. in a ponytail. I don't know what happen if I got a "real job" as my husband calls it...
ReplyDeleteYour hair is too CUTE! Love it! I completely agree with Falon and since she put it so well, I couldn't compete. So, I'm saying "VERY TRUE!"
ReplyDeleteYes, I do have those confidence-hacker days, a couple more lately then I'd care for. When this is going on sometimes I flirt (as you saw in action!), sometimes I pick out my cutest outfit and other times I concentrate on what I KNOW I'm good at. This all helps
Honestly I don't see you the way you see you...and with that I think you're crazy. BUT I get it. I have shitty skin. I use insanely expensive face soap and it helps a lot but it doesn't fix it all and I feel very flawed because of it. I also have mother fucking love handles that never will go away.
ReplyDeleteTry to love who you are because I love hanging out with you and I am sure everyone else will agree with that. You're hilarious, beautiful, true, and real.
You're the prettiest bartender in the land! Especially the longer I sit at the bar. ;)
ReplyDeleteI find that the older I get, the less I compare myself to everyone else. When I was young though, I was sooo awkward and uncomfortable in my skin. I'll never be prom queen anyways, so I'll just wear my push up bra and slap on some mascara and call it good.
erhmagerhhhhhhhhrd (are we over saying erhmagerhhhhhhhhhhhhrd yet?) you are gorgeous and i LOVE your new hair.
ReplyDeletethe end.